Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
