My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
