Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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