Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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