I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
false alarm. still invincible.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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