I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
