mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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