cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
