i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
