I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize