I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
