dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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