Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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