between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
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I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize