Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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