i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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