Quick, to the slutcave!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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