good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
