On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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