What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
