I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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