I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
