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she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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