After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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