I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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