Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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