I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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