god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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