Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
