I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
