I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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