I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
