Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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