im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.