textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"