is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
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All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.