Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.