my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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