he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
