Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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