this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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