I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
