I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
