Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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