you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize