Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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