My sheets look like a crime scene.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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