You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
