Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
