Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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