He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
