Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
