hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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