i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
