New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
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All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
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I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sext me about skeletons
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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