Pregnant stripper...not hot.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
