FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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