apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
